I had spent most of my life blindly following societies rules for living. You go to school, you get a job, you get married, you have kids, you get a house and you have it made, you have security. A grand illusion that had invisibly created a false sense of safety and a separation by always living in the future and creating from the past.
A recipe for conformity and the mediocrity of life that comes from the status quo. Within that box over the years I shook it up with vacations, dinners out, parties, renovations, restructuring businesses, kids extracurriculars and date nights…until the veneer began to crack. The life I carried inside was just too big for the ‘life’ I had meticulously structured around me…the one that was keeping me safe from myself!! My internal voice screamed…NOW WHAT!!??
Luckily my deep unrelenting restlessness jolted me out of my own internal slumber 8 years ago, awakening me to myself and the great potential that continues to remind me that I am not here to play small and more recently, within the confines of a status quo life. Now with a new place to stand inside, the reclaimed ‘not playing small’, is making it’s way into my outer world reminding me why I am here! BIG TIME!
At the heart of who I AM lives a pioneer, a radical, deeply fierce and compassionate liver of Life that marches to the beat of her own drum with other visionaries venturing into the great expansion of human consciousness to birth a very different world, built on internal safety of Self.
So what the heck am I doing stuck in the story about living that I told myself a long time ago, a story that seemed to blind all my creative choices and impulses, especially when I got married and had children! What happened to the adventurer that met the man she knew she would marry and yet still packed her car at 19 and traveled across the country to discover ‘what else’ might be in store. Sadly, what happened on the other side of the country was the notion of wild and free was no longer something society needed to warn me against…I did it to myself…I put on the caution brake and made my way back across the country to where I ‘came from’ to settle down.
With my comforting illusion leading the way my husband and I bought my family home on a mountaintop in Nova Scotia and have spent the last 11 years renovating, remodeling and making it our ‘own’. Raising our two children in the same walls where I was parented. The much more powerful metaphor is not what you see on the surface of my newly renovated home, it is the foundation that still represented the last threads of my history, my family story and me as the little girl that knew she was here to play big but chose normalcy through which to express!
The way I look at it is very few of us escape the status quo…we either conform or we rail against…blind to the fact that it does not live ‘out there’, it lives ‘in here’. The journey to reclaiming ourselves and finding a different place to stand inside ourselves is a rigorous one by times because we are left with owning everything that moves inside us as OURS. We have no one left to blame for our feelings and we hold the full responsibility for our choices as they design our life and they either come from a pattern of history or the present moment. Embodying this over the years has lead to a freedom of mind, body and spirit…my life is MINE to design and if it is no longer big enough…I redesign it accordingly.
This takes me into the present moment…a present moment that allows me to see the truth. The truth that I no longer want to own a home or maintain a property, the truth that I no longer feel deep attachment to my ‘stuff’, the truth that my husband is done in so many ways at his toxic work environment (he would have a great pension if he just stuck it out a few more years), a truth that my children’s potential is being managed, molded and modeled to live outside them at school, a truth that a LEAP is required not just for me but for our whole family! A LEAP into living moment by moment, breath by breath…not constantly preparing for the life we will live.
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